Do you really need a toothbrush after the Rapture?

Or during, for that matter?  Well you can now put your second coming fears to rest, the good Reverend Jim Bakker will supply you with all you need…for only $150.00!  That’s right, as I read in The Pitch Weekly this week, you can get your own Revelation Generation Packpack!

For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with Rev. Bakker, he’s now preaching the truth from that mecca of holiness, Branson, Missouri.  You can watch a live taping at The Studio City Cafe’.  I hope they have good coffee.

Who buys this stuff?  Seriously, if the world is ending around you, are the following items going to help you out of a tough spot:

1.  a loud whistle?  seems to me you might not want to attract that much attention to yourself with demons running loose and all

2.  a set of 4 colorful cups?  uh, can I save a couple bucks if you just give me the army green?

3.  a New Testament?  Now, given the situation you find your self in, this may seem useful.  My question is, why not throw in a copy of the Old Testament for free?  Seems you might learn a little more about your current environment from that particular fire and brimstone work.

4.  a water resistant pouch (for important documents)?  Shouldn’t Saint Peter already know who I am and all…giant guest book, etc?  Will I really have to prove who I am to anyone in the middle of total chaos?  Who’s going to stop and make sure I’m not lying? Who cares?

That’s alright, Jim boy needs all the support he can get; land is expensive in Branson these days.

Anyone have any suggestions of items to improve the pack?



Filed under Religion, religious humor

16 responses to “Do you really need a toothbrush after the Rapture?

  1. Condoms. Definitely. When the doo doo hits the fan, Janie and I are gonna make some hay. Lots of it. With whoever gets left behind. With everybody who gets left behind. If you’re gonna go to hell, it should at least be without the itch. Or the burn. Or the….

    You get the idea.

    Condoms. Definitely.

    Kisses from bo’fus

  2. guthrie

    Whats the purpose of these packs? A handy gift to your atheist/ non-rapture-believing christian friend for when they are left behind?

    It still doesnt make any sense. If you get raptured up, you wont need any of the stuff in the backpack. Also, to say that you’ll have time before it happens to put it on kind of ignores the bit in the bible that says the 2nd coming will catch everyone by surprise.
    Besides, I thought in the left behind series, the clothes were left behind? I cant remember.

  3. Yes, I especially like the interview question where the lady on the phone said the Bakkers were doing it to raise money to stay on the air after the Rapture.

    Two things about that: how much confidence should you have in a preacher who admits that he’ll be left behind? Yikes.

    And, what expectations does he have that modern communications will still be working? Why?

    I expect rational answers any minute….

  4. guthrie

    having read a few chapters of the left behind series, i can tell you that after teh rapture, the only difference will be that lots of people will be gone, and strange things will be happening. The laws of physics as applied to everyday stuff like radios will still be working.

  5. Thanks, guthrie; that’s a big relief. I wonder what the dividing line is between “everyday stuff that works” and “things that behave strangely”? Maybe they could include some sort of manual to tell us what to look out for?

  6. guthrie

    Yes, its called the “Left behind series”, more badly written than the Da Vinci code, with less human and believable characters than the third matrix film, and action sequences that make Ludlum, Lustbader et al look like geniuses compared to a lobotomised dog.
    Besides which, as I said before, its all based upon such wishful thinking cherry picking of only 2 or 3 sentences in the Bible, that there is no information available as to what things will be like.

  7. I am vaguely familiar with the series…Tim LaHaye and somebody else… It was made into a movie (I’m not sure how many of the books that it encompassed) starring Kirk Cameron. Never saw the movie, but I did try to read the first book. Got about 2, maybe 3 chapters into it and had to put it down. I agree, prose as poorly executed as you’re ever likely to see. Agree with you about DaVinci Code, also–don’t get the hype. There have been plenty of conspiracy theory books on much the same lines that have been WAY BETTER WRITTEN.

  8. Um… Where exactly does it say that the backpack has anything to do with the Rapture?

  9. Hmm… In fact, from the link, the backpack indeed does not have anything to do with the Rapture. Looks like you missed this part:

    If the chosen ones are to rise up, why do I need a survival kit?

    Um, you mean you don’t think we’re going to undergo any trials and tribulations? They [the Bakkers] are only doing it so they can stay on the air and, you know, teach and preach…. The time will come when our faith will be put to the test, and I just pray to God that I hope I have the strength to stand so that I will one day stand before Him and He will say, “Well done, my faithful servant.” It’s a scary thought, isn’t it?

    That’s okay, though. Reading comprehension doesn’t seem to be your strong point. Lying is, but not reading comprehension.

  10. Okay, Jas. Humor isn’t your strong point, is it?

    The Bakkers are selling a backpack of crap for $150.00. They are calling it the “Revelation Generation Backpack.” You would think that this is meant to imply the end could be near. Otherwise, they might call it the “Here Comes a Tornado Backpack.”

    The name is meant to get the believers to buy the thing.

    Let’s take a look at your claim off non-Rapture-ness. In your very own quote of the Pitch Article, you acknowledge (as does the interviewee):

    If the chosen ones are to rise up…

    Seems like it might have something to do with the Rapture.

    Also from the Pitch Article:

    The idea is to slip the padded straps of the blue-and-black bag over your shoulders just before the Second Coming.

    Try being less stupid from now on. Do you have zero ability to extrapolate an idea or thought on your own? Must it be spoon-fed to you?

    And, you can post anything you want here; I’m not going to restrict access to anyone. However, I would appreciate some eveidence for everything you say. For example:

    That’s okay, though. Reading comprehension doesn’t seem to be your strong point. Lying is, but not reading comprehension.

    You have sort of made a claim for reading comprehension; though I don’t think it’s particularly strong. That’s okay, you made an effort there. As for the lying. What have I lied about? when? where? If you can’t cite anything, leave it on your keyboard.

  11. jane

    what makes you guys think that the backpack is for after the rapture…in the end days even before the rapture there is going to be crazy things going on…including bad weather and more powerful storms than we’ve ever seen…he’s saying this backpack will be good for if say a tornado hits and a large part of your city loses power….he’s also saying people should be storing water and food…there’s nothing stupid about that…if you don’t believe in the bible or the end times…wouldn’t you rather be safe than sorry…people need to stop arguing over whether or not these things are going to happen…because whether you believe it or not they are going to happen… you know about the mark of the beast in the bible…the bible says you won’t be able to buy or sell anythang without this mark…a company in florida has already invented a chip that you implant in your wrist…it’s a global identification system…and guess what, they’ve already said eventually you won’t be able to buy or sell anything without this chip….come on people lets get real…that’s a fullfillment of prophecy…Jesus is coming back and I can’t wait…hopefully people will start having a change of heart before it’s too late…Jesus is Lord!

  12. blipey:

    They are missing some very crucial things. Where is the crucifix and holy water for fending off Lucifer’s hellish legions?

    Also, what about handcuffs? If you are lucky enough to be around the saved when the rapture begins, perhaps one can try to attach themselves to those being taken up. Sure you still might be left behind, but it is worth a try.

    A choice of a 9mm handgun with one bullet, or a cyanide pill or those with less dramatic flair. I suppose that could be seen as temptation, however.

    How about a book of witty things to say after you’ve killed the last of a horde of undead demons from atop the water tower in your home town?

    An alarm that alerts the user to when they have used “…” too many times in an message board posting. This can be useful so that when you are trying to convert pagans and/or atheists, they won’t write off your post as an idiot rambling at the first glance.

    A pocket knife. This seems so ovbious that I’m surprised that Mr. Bakker missed it. No not for all the useful reasons that survival experts think you should carry one. You should have it to remove that chip (the Mark of the Beast) from your body. You can’t have Jesus in your heart with a chip in your arm.

  13. Thanks BR; great suggestions. That’s what I’m talking about.

    bourgeois_rage said:

    An alarm that alerts the user to when they have used “…” too many times in an message board posting.

    LOL. That might be the best invention ever, an Ellipsis Detection and Disposal System. You should apply for a patent.

    I also enjoy the book of witticisms. In a pinch, however, I think that a DVD of Army of Darkness would do. Or, perhaps, a copy of the screenplay, DVD players not being included in the pack.

    Would a strong EM pulse generator be a decent replacement for the pocketknife? Or, would the portability issue be a problem?

  14. I also enjoy the book of witticisms. In a pinch, however, I think that a DVD of Army of Darkness would do. Or, perhaps, a copy of the screenplay, DVD players not being included in the pack.

    When the rapture hits, I’m going to grab the nearest chick and say, “Gimme some sugar, baby.”

    Would a strong EM pulse generator be a decent replacement for the pocketknife? Or, would the portability issue be a problem?

    Ok, but you may be the only kid on the block running around with an EM pulse generator. Everyone else will have pocketknives.

  15. Mama

    The Revelation Generation backpack is not for AFTER the Rapture. We’re going to have plenty of reasons to need it before the Rapture, though. You can either be prepared for tough times or you can die during them. It’s your choice.

  16. Not really my point, Mama. How is the backpack going to prepare you any better than, say, getting the same stuff at Walmart for 60 dollars less?

    The point is the backpack is a rip-off being sold by scam artists.

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