So. DaveScot one invited me to look him up anytime I was in Austin–ostensibly so he could kill me with a chainsaw. Why would he want to do such a thing? Well, because I disagree with him about scientific issues and that’s how science is decided–chainsaws.
This invitation devolved (ha! I slay myself sometimes. -homo) into a weird, paranoia driven email that told me to come alone and with some sort of Crackerjack decoder ring, knock twice at a gate, and hop on my left foot for two minutes…seriously, it was weird.
I emailed him back to ask for directions and let him know I was serious about meeting him. He never replied. This is probably due to his never having thought I’d follow through in the first place and now having to back out without looking like a total ass.
I give him a couple weeks and email him again, telling him I’m waiting for directions or I’ll have to call him and make other arrangements. That or let everyone know that he’s ducking me. Well, he replied. And get this, he’s DUCKING me. No, really; stand up, I know you’re shocked, but please, have some water.
Here’s the exchange:
Hey. Just want to remind you that the big day is coming up. You haven’t forgotten, have you? Still need those directions, or I’ll be forced to look you up like you asked me to. That’ll involve a phone call and everything. Just want to make sure that i don’t have to report that you ducked me.
Frankly I’m amazed that you’re willing to meet a loose cannon like me under
those conditions. Think about it – meeting a person who despises you,
someone with guard dogs and guns, out in the boondocks on their own acreage
where hunting is legal and the discharge of firearms doesn’t raise an
eyebrow, in a state where it’s legal to shoot trespassers first and ask
questions later… I can only conclude you aren’t very tightly wrapped and
that makes you dangerous. The offer was a test. The expectation was that if
you were sane you’d at least insist on a restaurant or some other safe
public venue. Consider the offer withdrawn and if you come near my property
or family I WILL consider you an immediate threat and let the dogs deal with
you. As a consolation prize I am attaching a self-portrait of myself taken
today with two of our loyal guards. They take their role as protectors of
hearth and home very seriously. You have been warned. Stay away.
With utter contempt,
Ah, that’s too bad, DaveTard. Looks like you set that up nice, huh? Proud of yourself? A test, if I insist on a restaurant or something, you say I broke the rules and no meeting. If I don’t, I’m “a loose cannon” and the meeting is off. Nice.
Do you really think that no one knows I’m going out to your place and that if I seriously disappeared no one would know that you killed me with a chainsaw? And do you really think that I can’t take care of myself? I’m a person that has toured solo through the Alaskan Arctic, managed to survive as a street performer for years and actually has friends who can know where and how I am. Geez, Dave. One would think that you actually intend to kill me if I go to your house, even under the best of circumstnces. Maybe I should take a page from your friend Bill’s book and call Homeland Security on you? You are a piece of work. Consider yourself looked up. Be expecting my call. I won’t show up at your house since you’re obviously too much of a pussy to deal with it. But, since you like Austin restaurants, maybe yu’ll drop by. I’ll let you know which one I’ll be at by leaving a note under a mailbox near the university.
By the way, nice job on the diet; you look much better than your other picture. Nice looking dogs as well, say hi to them for me.
may gravity be kind,
Erik J Pratt
Here’s DaveScot’s most recent self portrait (I guess):